My Ayurveda Massage Experience

"The Santhigiri Ayurveda facility is located at 91 Broad St. in Winter Garden. The little yard adornment, under the old oak tree says RELAX. With that advice in mind I entered the front door.

Inside I'm greeted in a courteous manner by a young lady. As I wrote my name on the sign-in sheet a tall, amber-skinned gentleman with gentle eyes emerges from behind a lovely curtain. He fixed his warm, smiling gaze on me and I was immediately happy I chose to be there. He was obviously happy to see me as well. He is Dr. G. Nadial Santosh B.A.M.S., Chief Ayurvedic Consultant, trained at Santhigiri Ashram, India, a pioneering Spiritual and Ayurveda institution of great repute.

After a few words of introduction I tour the unpretentious facility. It feels like a special place. There's a massage room in a traditional yet colorful setting; an office, just perfect, no attention on personality but comfortable and welcoming; a main treatment room.

The main treatment room is subtly lit, allowing the bright outdoors to filter through gold-toned curtains. In the center is a large, beautiful wooden table designed for traditional Ayurveda treatments. Because oils are used in conjunction with herbs to facilitate the body's natural healing responses this table is carved to accommodate those oils. In the corner there is a matching wood cabinet made specifically for steam hydro-therapy.

I was there to get a basic treatment, a massage using oils mixed with herbs. I disrobed to my skivvies and sat on a stool to begin. Rather than describe the actual massage techniques just let me say the movements were thorough and the pressure was firm and comfortable.

Dr. Santosh started with my head, working in the scalp. For the remainder of the treatment we moved to the beautiful table. Doctor Santosh was clearly well trained. The movements were confident and deliberate. All of my concerns, for either privacy or comfort were taken into account and I felt secure and respected at every moment. The work itself was comforting, relaxing and invigorating.

After an hour massage I entered the little steam cabinet in the corner. We chatted casually while the steam worked it's magic. Moisture, drawn from my body by the steam, cleansed the pores and flushed toxins stirred by the massage. After twenty or so minutes I was finished. I stepped out of the cabinet, and wearing a robe, retired to the bath where I showered. I felt balanced, warm and cared for.

I know there is much more to Ayurveda than this brief encounter. I am told, and I believe, any health concern may be addressed with Ayurveda, the most ancient of medicines. The Santhigiri Ayruveda facility in Winter Garden is a good place to start 407-490-4322 or 407-756-5255. On the web at http://www.santhigiriashram.org

Post Script to Big Event

The transformation described in the previous chapter took place in early February. There were subsequent events of lesser intensity over the next four months.

There were several telling revelations as well. The most interesting and easily conveyed are here along with a little background on events that both precede and follow what I am sharing in this post.

A new breed of people began to come into my life. The woman-child who brought me the book COSMIC CONSCIOUSNESS became a regular visitor (later she became the mother of two of my daughters and my third wife). It was not long before she brought two friends with her. One I’ll call D. and one M.

On our first occasion to meet M. made a comment that I interpreted as diminishing my experience; an attempt to reduce my respect for its power. I may have simply misunderstood his intention but I failed to appreciate it none-the-less. I felt anger. I asked him to leave. He refused. I became brusk and demanded he leave. Years later I realized he was jealous of my experience. He had been aware of man’s possible evolution from his diverse studies and wanted it for himself and here I was, completely uneducated yet rich with experience. It irked him I am certain.

As a result of my “throwing him out” I found myself four seasons later in a position unable to refuse living in a house with him as the “Lord of the Manor” for nine months. It was a dark time. My ego had regained its grip and I felt separate and empty of joy. The fourteen other housemates of Avenue B. and I were crammed in an eight hundred square foot, two bedroom building with an outside shower owned by a female deputy sheriff. Little did I know the fourteen others were reflection of my suppressed psyche. I’ll bring more to light about Avenue B later.

During our time together M. found ways to take me apart bit by bit. I suppose, to discover why me and not him. There is some truth to the old saying angry men take heaven by storm. I was a very angry man. My second child, whom I thought to be my first, was conceived in the later months at Avenue B. And honestly… this was not a deliberate decision on my part. This too we will return to later.

Now the events that preceded my leaving the home in the swamp next to the radio station.

You could call those months a period of revelation defining the Revelation. Not to confuse you but the next (roughly) seven years became a period of definition recovery. Meaning the main transformation was a desolation of the self (ego) as a set of definitions and beliefs described as me (Michael). To survive in the world there had to be a redefining. Since the end of the seven year period (age thirty) following the transformation I have worked toward the ability to come and go from definition at will.

Within a few days of the transformation I became severely ill. Blue sky appeared to have a dark overcast, as if full of dust. The sun became a dirty orange. I had a fever that lasted for three days. I was weak and could not move from my black Naugahyde couch. I was experiencing the healing crisis mention by Saul of Tarsus in the New Testament. But I lay there without concern. My joy was so complete I cared for nothing. My boss came to me and asked me if I needed a doctor, do I want to go to the hospital he asked. I decline saying I was just fine. He had no idea what had happened and I felt no need to tell him. On the third day, as I lay there, I was looking up into the corner near the ceiling and a hole appeared to open up in the ceiling. Inside the hole there was nothing but clear light. No color, no distinguishing qualities, simply clarity as a visual experience. As if seeing into infinite, clearly lit nothingness. Then I remembered a gentle, loving man I had met eighteen months earlier in Iowa. As we sat in his living room listening to music with awareness as a theme, he said with all the sincerity in the world “Ah, for a moment of clarity.” I pray he got his as well.

One afternoon I was sitting in my Naugahyde throne-like chair contemplating my naval when in the space before my eyes was overtaken by an image that opened up in front of me. Like a dream, but surrounded on the periphery by what were the walls of my living room. Within the “dream” were two of me in a unique environment dressed in bland, light grey suits. Each simultaneously withdrew a sword, a rapier, and one became still as the other proceeded to attack the other without remorse or affect. When I became a little startled the image went away.

In another instance I was laying on my bed, resting from a difficult day in the production room. Suddenly I was in a dream sequence where I was detached from and following behind my body as it walked down an aisle between the old fashioned experiment desks often seen on old college laboratories. Test tubes and Bunsen burners and racks of apparatus on each side. My body was wearing a white lab coat over a tweed coat and blue tie. As my body reached the end it sat down on a bench and I instantly entered the body, clasp my hand over the back of my neck and a white light exploded in my head obliterating the world. I awoke realizing I had achieved enlightenment experimenting with the mushrooms.

Over those last few months I resided and worked at the radio station in the swamp I felt strongly I was in the wrong place doing the wrong thing. I discovered from experimentation that I was very psychic and could send and receive information. I read Dr. John Lilly’s CENTER OF THE CYCLONE among others including ESP by Susy Smith, PSYCHIC DISCOVERIES BEHIND THE IRON CURTAIN by Sheila Ostrander, Lynn Schroeder. I read the bible from cover to cover and understood it for the first time. The information in them confirmed many things I suspected were true but in the past felt they did not apply to me. I learned from Dr. Lilly’s book how to remain open to psychic information.

A few years before I had used a Quija Board to communicate with what I believed to be an entity named Bonnie Knight. I would beam a thought across a short distance to the board sitting between my mother and sister. The board would spell out answers while they sat and carried on casual conversations with others in the room. Only I knew the questions. Only I understood the answers. I had yet to realize my role as a psychic. So when I sat with a woman after my reawakening in the swamp and tried to use the board again I was dismayed at how slow and muddy the movement was. The board slowly spelled out “stop demanding.” I never went back to it.

Years later I worked with a professional astrologer in my study of the subject. With her I found my Moon’s South Node conjunct the most psychic of star formations. It clearly states what one should give up to attain enlightenment and conveyed I was a professional psychic in my most immediate past life. Further, any effort to use this for personal gain would be counter productive. When I tested this by advertising myself as such some ten years later I found the work very tiring. As well, I attracted people seeking mundane answers. Not much fun for the spiritual teacher whose North Node stated was his destiny should he choose to more fully awaken.

The culminating event, the impetus to leave the radio station, finally occurred in early June of that same year. As a sixteen year old I fractured my spine along with other injuries. The fracture went undiagnosed for twenty years. In the meantime it became a source of extreme pain, often nearly crippling me. Because no one would, or could, tell me why I was in such pain I tried to ignore it.

That day in June, in the humid, stillness of the mobile home with no air conditioning in a swamp, as I lay on my couch dripping with sweat and naked, the pain became nearly unbearable. Then I remembered what I had read in Richard Buck’s COSMIC CONSCIOUSNESS about soldiers in battle who had been wounded. There, on the battle field, in immense pain, suddenly propelled into The Highest State of Consciousness their pain was no more. Identification with the body ceased and pure awareness became their ply frame of reference. Pure awareness cannot know pain. Pure awareness knows only love.

With this in mind I chose to surrender to the pain and deliberately allow it to wash over me. I ceased my resistance, my struggle to find comfort, and immediately found myself in bliss. Before my minds eye there appeared two visions. The first was an image of the earth from space. It was consumed by fire. Like the wick of a candle the earth was aflame. As it evolved it became composed of the human multitude as one passion for being. This passed slowly and then flashed out to become a bird’s eye view from a high place. The scene was a group of people far enough away that I could not see detailed faces. They were sitting in a grassy field in a shape like the earth aflame, tear shaped. I felt strongly this was a spiritual community, my personal connection to humanity. I immediately wanted to be there with them. It appeared to be in the Appalachia mountains.

The next day I gave one month notice I was leaving the radio station. The owner, my boss, responded “you can’t leave now. You’ll kill us.” I waited one week, put a few pieces of clothing in a box, snatched up my faith and walked out the door.

In the next installment I’ll tell you about Larre.

The Big Events

Last evening my super intelligent 5 year old grandson asked me "Why did you take me fishing Grandpa?" I asked him if he had fun. "Yes" he says. "That's why." I told him. He then asks "Why did you let me fish Grandpa?" I asked him if he learned anything. "Yes" he says. "That's why" I told him... This morning, as he was leaving for school, after a hug and he stood there for a few seconds looking, with a serenity, into my eyes. There was a deeper connection. He was deliberate and aware of what he was feeling... My love for him is a love that abides in that space where the fabric of life is not whole yet not rent. No words may touch it, no image is pure enough...

I am inspired to share this story from my life.


I've been on the path of spiritual retrieval since I was a little boy. It started with an event when I was fourteen months old. I was in a savings and loan office with my parents in Louisville, Kentucky. The building was new and had opened prior to pipes along the walls that fed steam to the radiators being uninsulated. It was a cold winter so the radiators were full on. As my father consulted with a gentleman in another office my mother and I were waiting in a foyer. I remember an urge to touch the pipe. I went to it and placed both hands on the steam pipe. Instantly all the skin on both palms became ash and “I” was hurled into a white light. This was the beginning of memory for me.

The light remained close and evident until about the time I reached puberty then started to fade from awareness. Until then it was most evident when I was in the woods or alone. I took it for granted.

The skin was replaced with a graft to each hand from my left abdomen. My hands were totally functional once the grafts were completely healed in about six months later. There were a lot of struggles for my mother during this time. The doctors my mother took me to told her the long term impact she should anticipate. They were plastic surgeons, the best available, and neurosurgeons. They told her I would be an idiot and unable to talk or function properly due to the shock to my nervous system. They told her I would be accident prone. That part became true. Her response was “Not if I have my say in it.”

There were many, many trials and unexpected issues that came and went, a lot of violence. At some point I’ll share many of them. Regardless… I talked, a lot in fact. I said things that put other people on edge, especially my mother. My mind was open to information that apparently other people were unaware of and because I was undeterred by a sense of right and wrong, and out of control almost all the time, I did and said a lot of things considered out of bounds. I didn’t have a normal life and I was not easily indoctrinated. I asked her perspective once. Her response: “I could either put you in school on the chance you’d civilize or move to the desert and let you live as a savage.” School was an effort in futility until I was in my late teens. I failed at everything except art and speech and P.E. Those darkest years I really made a mess of my life.

I retired from my effort to ascertain the boundaries of mortality in my 21st year and went into a period of contemplation which soon resulted in another powerful awakening. This time I was safe at home. I had found work in radio. My last gig was an AM and FM radio station, running the production and “on air” side of things. It was situated on the edge of a swamp where I lived in a mobile home placed three feet from the stations back door. I was the first one to get there and the last one to leave, seven days a week.

I would spend hours each evening remembering the horrible things I had done; embarrassing others or creating situations they were forced to put up with and expend energy to rectify. I was filled with guilt and fear, I felt unlovable and ugly. I had no idea where or what love was.

There were no other buildings within a mile and those were associated with a fish camp usually closed at night. When I wasn’t in the building doing my radio thing I was in my hovel, fairly stoned, digging around in my mind, looking for the source of my existence and trying to understand how and why I had become such a pariah. I hated what I had become. I hated me.

In the isolation I used music, my only friend, as loud as possible to drive me deeply inward. Over time others heard about the “guy who ran rock station and lived in the swamp.” Frequently people would show up at my door wanting to get high, listen to jazz rock fusion, and occasionally discuss the nature of realty.

On a Friday in February of 1973, after being there for a year and a half or so, a new stranger showed up. Already a crowd had gathered and it was promising to be another night externally focused. As he passed through the door, he hands me a baggy with three psychedelic mushrooms in it. “Happy birthday” he says. I have no idea how he knew my birthday had been a few days past. I learned later he was born the same day of the same year 52 minutes before me.

If I’d had any idea what was about to happen I would have gone next door to the radio station and hid. Instead I popped them into my mouth and swallowed.

The next four or five hours became the most powerful non-violent experience of my life so far. It was beautiful. It was frightening. It was rich with visuals that were both chaotic and familiar. I saw things that were beyond my capacity to express or explain. Some were hallucinations others were visions, obviously archetypal images that seemed alive. I felt fear beyond anything I’d ever imagined. I have been shot at, stabbed at, beaten and maimed. I’ve wrecked cars, jumped out of airplanes and swam in barracuda infested waters while bleeding. Nothing could touch the fear I felt even at being faced with simple questions like “do you want to go outside” or “are you alright?” On that evening I went insane and became saner than ever before. Over several hours of overwhelming mystical experience I made some people smile and others to walk away in a huff. I said things to them I couldn’t myself understand and I recognized the difference between friend and foe simply by putting my attention on them.

After a while I realized there were only myself and the gentleman who’d brought me the mushrooms in the room. I was seated in the middle of the room facing the north wall. There was a vortex of electric, multicolor tiles, like a funnel, focused on my my forehead. There was a sense this was symbolic of knowledge pouring in. After a moment I felt there was another presence in the room. It felt benevolent and seemed to expect nothing and was everywhere, even inside me. Without effort I acknowledge it. It had no intention other than to be. I, for reasons unknown at the time, said to it “I give up.”

I must have slipped out of time for I suddenly found myself laying prone on my back on the floor with my feet to the eastern wall and face up. I felt good, very good. The beautiful mind-blowing images were gone and I felt my senses perfect in my awareness. There was a knowing of harmony beyond description. The urge to yawn began. I spoke aloud “I want to yawn.” My companion who I’d forgotten about said “Control the yawn.” “I don’t want to control the yawn” I responded and I allowed it. As my throat opened my back arched, the top of my head tipped the floor like the end of a bow and out of my throat came a single, pure sound not unlike a trumpet. I left my body, out through the top of my head into a sea of golden red bliss. As I took a breath the “I” which was evident and visible to an awareness which was me within fell back into the body. Another breath was taken as “I” entered. As that breath became a sound out of the body the “I” went out and awareness disappeared into the sea of bliss again. Over and over this occurred. I don’t know when it stopped. The next I knew was my body awakening in the morning in my bed.

All the suffering I had know for years had lifted. All the fear was gone and left was a peace that “passeth all understanding.”

Three days later I was brought a book by another stranger, a woman. The title of the book is COSMIC CONSCIOUSNESS by Richard Buck, MD. It explained everything that had occurred from the moment I surrendered with “I give up.” It made sense out of the pain and suffering and how this led to my experience.

There are the beginnings of several side stories here in this offering. However my point is to relate this to the love that I feel for others which is mentioned in the comment regarding my grandson. That love has grown more evident over the decades since I became aware of Its source. Everything except the insanity of self hatred makes sense now.

Please know I do not recommend psychedelics as a means of achieving spiritual awakening. It is very dangerous and not permanent. There is an easier way now and the recovery of definition, which took me years to manage, can be done with a decision.

A Shocking Discovery

I was eight or nine and we lived in a nice house in Lake Park in Palm Beach County, Florida. The floors were terrazzo which are little chips of tile in a hard, white grout smoothed to a mirror-like surface.

My father, who was out of the house, had been doing some work in his bedroom at the time and it was empty of furniture. I remember walking into the room and seeing a metal power drill laying on the floor. It was plugged in.

It was summer and quite warm in South Florida. As usual I was simply dressed in short pants and no shoes or shirt.

As I stood there I was filled an interest in this drill. I wanted to know what it felt like to hold this device in my hand. It reminded me of toy gun. I imagined aiming it at something and with a whirring sound sending out a blast.

I picked it up. It was heavy in my hand. I could feel the cold pot metal. I aimed it at the floor. I knew it would not actually fire a projectile or beam of light. I still braced myself as if it would. I pulled the trigger.

Instantly my body was rattling. I felt the grip of the electricity pouring through the drill into me. In a flash my arm straightened out, my body spun around and the drill flew out of my hand and across the room smashing into the wall with a thud.

I was stunned for a long moment. Then I couldn't believe I had made such a stupid mistake. I don’t know how I knew without being told but I realized I had grounded the drill in the terrazzo floor through my bare feet.

That wasn’t the last time I was shocked by electricity, but it was the last time it was an unexpected surprise.



DON'T GET CARRIED AWAY

All photos copyright Michael B Stone

Why We Sigh.

It's been a while.

When I really love someone, deeply love without equivocation, I have experiences beyond description with any words. The effort to convey actually diminishes the experience. My Love for some people, or because of some people, creates a mystical space in which there are seemingly whole other spaces, as if filled with other beings who also love and create space.

I know, or better yet, I become this space that has no limit. Loosely filling that space is a host of sentient beings whose only intention is to make the space available for my unconditional positive regard to expand. They are like you might expect angels to be if you took away the stereotypical notions. Rather than spectacles of light or shimmering, winged ghost-like creatures they are simply beings, differing from each other and familiar at the same time. The space that opens up and allows greater awareness just because I love unconditionally. Fearlessly.

I believe this is why we sigh. We long for a glimpse of the beyond.

UPDATE

I've been reading in a book loaned to me by Roger, my brother-in-law. It's titled ONLY ONE SKY. It is a series of talks given by Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh, ISBN0-525-47440-4 copyright 1975.

After having an interesting experience which inspired the first two paragraphs of this post I found myself a few days later reading a page in this book while visiting Roger. It carried a short note regarding the very experience. Rather than quoting the entire explanation of the experience as he stated it I'll quote the short phrase that sums up the rule which when followed creates the experience. From page 17, "When you love, you become nobody. If you remain a somebody then love never happens."

In and about 1988 I wrote a series of poems reflected my deep, painful longing for a return to being "nobody."

This is one of those poems.

“Death”

From Queen to Witch, Kali Ma,
Tears You limb from limb.

The flesh is rent, torn from bones,
Amidst a raucous din.

Futile schemes and selfish plans,
Abruptly come to end.

Centuries of structured mind
An image I defend.

Weeds that root, in rocky soil,
As trees they would pretend.

Starved for loves nurtured way,
Blown by fears great wind.

Clutching threads of mindful scorn,
Swiping at the air.

The ego's plan of wasting death,
My heart it would ensnare.

Falling helpless, through the night,
Pleading in despair,

Creates demise, all of its own
As Shiva's light lays bare.

Slowly dawns, the break of day,
The sun without a care,

Drenches dreams of Wholly Being
Child of God so fair.

What Will Happen In 2012?

A close friend asked me to elucidate on my expectations of the coming changes associated with the "End Of Days" mentioned by scholars of the Mayan Calendar. I felt this was a good way to update my blog which I have neglected recently.

So lets get the mundane out of the way.

I think Obama will be reelected.

Beyond that, I must say I am skeptical of there being a specific event on the date of December 21, 2012. I feel at the heart of the expected change is the way we view time. We've been indoctrinated into viewing time based on seconds, minute and hours which gives us a false measurement of time. If we were to know time in it's purest form we would simply recognize events, i.e. thoughts and external changes in environment such as moon cycles and weather patterns and seasonal shifts, bowel movements, baby feedings, etc.

Time as we view it came into being in the last millennia. In the few thousand years before that it was measured in terms of a rulers life span. Before that it wasn't measured but experienced more like a continuum that as humans lived they felt.

After ingesting a psychoactive substance such as LSD one experiences time more as a reality, a constant shifting pattern of events that more or less relate to external activities and internal psychic patterns. Time becomes more of a great temporal, often beautiful, being whose edges and internal spaces are divine and endowed with a feminine flavor. A cosmic matrix in my experience. Space is where she is not.

As the collective conscious moves more toward the natural view of time and space, recognizing and fully realizing the true illusory nature of these mental constructs, self deception exposed falls away. Insanity will prevail for many. A struggle occurs... to hold onto a point of view that can no longer be sustained.

Some of what I believe we will see occur: There will continue to be revelations regarding who actually drives the socioeconomic engine of the world and their motives (the heart of which appears to be to create suffering, they thrive on others suffering). Other interesting elitist, dark and occulted societies will surface and become exposed. Self serving governments will topple amid ruins. We are seeing that now as Neptune enters Pisces the day I posted this.

People will become educated regarding how much power they actually have in directing their respective group's realizations. More and more we will see various extreme groups vying for control which will lead, eventually, to a greater overall understanding of cooperation. But not before violent shifts in consciousness for many. Violence weeds out the negators of peace and leaves in it's wake those who begin to desire peace over personal and collective beliefs.

I expect more about extraterrestrials will surface as time proceeds from where we are now. The demand for evidence of their existence is growing strong. There was a piece on NPR regarding that very subject yesterday (April 4). As Neptune (the alien to us) enters Pisces (realm of chaos) where it rules, what is vague and hidden, illusory, shows itself. Motives become strikingly evident. BTW:Neptune is my ruling planet and Pisces fills my first house of the body. It promises to be an interesting journey for me, assuming I'll be here to make note of it.

The very notion of time will begin to be altered in the collective. Psychic capacities and spiritual discernment of and by the common person will begin to evolve more rapidly. Natural disasters will be more frequent until the relationship between our collective fear and the fluctuation in the earths skin begins to become evident to more of us, eventually making a quantum shift.

Communication will take a giant leap, telepathy becoming more common place with the Internet serving as a catalyst for same.

As the old guard, people of mine and my mother's generation, pass away there will be more room for those coming after to rapidly expand their consciousness. We don't realize how much we stand in each others way in our effort to control our personal reality. A simple example: It is very difficult to experience intimacy with someone who resists being discovered. Fear of intimacy is the principal obstacle to self awareness. That fear is generated by secrets and hidden agendas.

As these obstacles become more evident in our collective awareness the fear will dissipate and a unity will evolve that cannot harbor a false sense of time and personal space. Of course this is all based on assuming the upheaval of darker energies from our collective unconscious doesn't destroy us. A distinct possibility.

The planet goes through what we go through. It is naturally shifting while we shift in a synthesized way. Thesis (true knowledge) plus anti-thesis (neurosis and limiting beliefs) creating a synthesis (in this case upheaval). It is always working toward balance and as the balance becomes realized the qualities I've placed in parenthesis change to reflect that purer pattern and so the synthesis reflects same.

Then there's the possibility of Planet X to consider. Do you have a hundred million dollar telescope?

What Does GOD Want?

I can only offer my opinion. GOD wants you to be happy. No other expectation has become apparent in all of the years I've been listening. Sixty Three at this point.

Being happy all the time is like riding the crest of a wave. It takes great skill to remain at the top of the wave. In my case I can say near the trough has been my dominant experience.

What seems to be the problem? Well, there are a lot of very wise and good men and women who have already mentioned this in one way or another. The ego is the problem... and, it seems, the solution as well. More on that in a moment.

I've heard GOD "speak" to me a lot in my sixty three Summers. Probably more than most people would be able to say. I'm not bragging but actually pointing out a character flaw. You would think that as many conversations as we've had I would have spent a little more time in reflection on the content. But I am a stubborn child at best and as my mother would say "You'd argue with a fence post."

Just one example: Back in the early 80's I spent a lot of time on the Kashi ranch, an ashram in a little town south of here over on the East Coast. One sunny day, as I walked across the grass toward one of the buildings a young man I knew well crossed paths with me and stopped me to ask "Michael, you have a fairly big ego, do you think my ego is big?" I said I had no idea. That was all there was to the exchange and we went on our ways. But I puzzled over the thought of having a big ego. How does one discern the size of one's ego? I was clueless.

Later that evening I was in Darshan (devotional service) with about two hundred other people and I asked Ma Jaya "Do I have a big ego?" She said "Yes, and it will cause you a lot of pain." "How long will it last?" I said. She said "That depends on you." I raised my hand again to ask another question and she said "Enough!"

The next day, and for several days there after, I was miserable with self loathing and disgust. I didn't even have a reason I could attach to the feeling, it was just there, dark and deeply morose. It passed and after some reflection and a little relaxed interest in the question of its source an answer came.

First, her attention was enough to bring up what needed to be purged at that moment. Second, my Higher Self set me up with a walk in the direction of another who like me was seeking release. Third, my egocentric desire for clarity regarding ego on one hand and confirmation I had a small ego on the other drew me like a moth to flame. The truth freed me of my delusion and set me straight. Ego identification with knowledge resulted in a piece of it being torn away.

This is the destructive/redemptive force called Kali, manifest in Ma Jaya, to benefit my awakening. Kali was a common experience in her presence. I know with further questioning I would have brought on much more suffering of "truth" which is, I suppose, why she stopped me.

In my opinion God wants you to be happy. The ego wants everything else. Having both is the crest of the wave.

Thoughts On The Illusion of Control

“God speaks only to the oldest souls, the ones most experienced in living and suffering. ‘You shall belong to no-one and to nothing, to no party, to no majority, to no minority, to no society except in that it serves me at my altar. You shall not belong to your parents, nor to your wife and children, nor to your brothers and sisters, nor to them who speak your language, nor to those who speak any other — and least of all to thine own self. You shall belong only to me in this world.”
~Franz Werfel

I was cruising the web using Stumbleupon and came across that quote on this site http://www.bemyastrologer.com.

Regardless of what one may think of Astrology this quote fits like a glove in my life. Many years ago a friend, inspired by my interest in Astrology, studied my chart. She told me, in greater length, based on her analysis I am like a mineral in fluid state that crystallises over a period of time only to be immersed in solution of extreme experiences, dissolved and then re-constituted again after a change in the inner and outer environment is complete. I found this to be both a pleasant and unpleasant thought.

It felt unpleasant because it smacked no choice. It presumed stability was out of reach. My life would continue to be disrupted and all I had built up over time would crumble at my feet leaving me with the task of rebuilding. (e.g. I've held over 40 distinctively different occupations.)

Pleasant because I will never be bored with an unchanging field of view. I would never be stuck in a pattern of waking sleep like an automatic line worker in a factory of repetitive behavior.

In all actuality, both are true. Further, I have learned to appreciate the radical changes and the periods of relative calm. The only painful quality is the absence of significant power over my material environment and the occasional difficulty in repeating an action or set of words, at my direction or that of another. To me no two moments are alike and the difference between this moment and the next is huge. Nothing remains the same from one moment to the next. Boundaries are extrapolated from observing others expectations and psychically tuning to their willingness to engage. Mistakes are plentiful, of course.

I am continually amazed at the differences I see from one person to the next when it comes to creating stability. Some people are at ease with life following patterns that repeat day after day. A cookie cutter life. Others create periods of repetition followed by short bursts of chaos. Controlled chaos though. Too much is exactly that... too much.

Stability lends itself to the illusion of control. Most are comfortable when able to predict what will happen next. The comfort strengthens the illusion. Events viewed on a larger scale appear to follow our expectations. If we look closely though we will see that there are always subtle changes and nothing ever repeats itself exactly. The changes may appear to be insignificant, they're not. The changes point out the subtle references the Higher Self imposes on the moment to, over time, fulfill the need for experience. Souls need experience or they become fallow and eventually leave the form to it's mindless repetition. Experience is food for the soul and the soul starves if the attention is forced into a limited frame of reference long term.

This isn't an exhortation to call chaos into the life any more than a criticism of those who find comfort the illusion of control. I feel certain that we are getting what we need regardless of what that may be. I feel certain , absolutely certain I chose the life I've lived. I was only bored when, as a child, I didn't get to pursue the experience I thought was my choice. Here I had the illusion I COULD control if my mother would just let me go.

People who survive extremes in their search for new experience and feel comfortable with chaos reigning over their lives have fat souls, usually. They will understand, after many repeated shifts in their point of view, that life isn't constant anything. If those same people take the high road in their responses to these shifts there comes a moment when they get it... the only constant is Love.

Those whose lives appear to have regular, timed out events and a finely structured order over which they seem to have control come to Love through realizing devotion to principal or virtue. It often appears like a ray of sunlight through a crack in the structure. I am reminded of a vast cathedral, dark and somber with a crack in a great stained glass window high on the wall. A brilliant sunbeam piercing the veil of dogma, illuminating the body-mind.

What a wonderful life. The search for stability blown away by the light of Love only to reassert itself as the ego reforms to carry the seeker toward the greatest change of all: Death of the frame that holds the picture of life.

Control is an illusion.

Love Knows No Ambition

I recently posted on Facebook a quote from a talk by J. Krishnamurty: "Where there is Love there is no ambition." I didn't really expect a response, much less the two I actually got. One was distinctly questioning of the remark via a questioning of Mr. Krishnamurty's character and the situation of his culture and political environment. The other was a simple "Hmmmm" which I took to be undefined questioning of the validity of the statement. I certainly could have misinterpreted these responses. Regardless, they inspired some further thought on the subject in an attempt to understand the perspective of the comments.

Here is what has come of that.

My first thought was people who have no undefined experience with Love also have no awareness Love needs no other quality than Itself to exist. In other words, they've never experienced Love in It's purest state. Love at this level of existence is without definition, boundless and forever. One becomes simply a sea of bliss. This alone is beyond comprehension even after experiencing it. No definition: Inability to recognize differences because none, including self, exist. Boundless: Infinite Being. Forever: Absence of mortality. Sea of joy: one becomes a drop of joy immersed in an endless sea of joy.

It is important to realize, from a lesser perspective with an intact ego, that in this state of mind their are no relatives or loved one's. There is no body to have needs. There is no name of the self which also does not exist. There is no ego to tell you right and wrong, up or down, believe or doubt. In fact if the experience didn't result from a process one would never know it was occurring. One must return from this state to attention, with at least a modest identity intact, to recognize one had been there. Otherwise the experience is actually physical death. It is however, ego death we're talking about here. Naturally a very low percentage of the world population actually have this experience and live to tell about it. Often those who do are labeled crazy and some actually become residents of asylums.

People have been put to death for espousing the attributes of pure Love, but we know this. We've heard and read these stories. Many of us are appalled by this, we cannot understand why others would behave in this manner. And yet, when someone who has disappeared into the Highest State of Awareness shares what they recognize as an obstacle to achieving It people invested in Love being something other than what it is feel threatened.

There can be no possible investment, no wanting, no ambitious agenda on the part of pure Love. All other points of view are threatened by the Truth of Love. In fact the experience of pure Love will destroy any and all beliefs, images, attachments, ambitions and identities the "experiencer" may hold consequential or otherwise. The reality of this is put forth in every major spiritual tome since writing began.

From Hebrew scriptures for example, "GOD is no respecter of persons", and "Man's doing is as foolishness to GOD. GOD's doing is as foolishness to man." There are many more.

From the Hindu scriptures comes this one, spoken to Arjuna by Krishna when his beliefs created resistance to sending his army to battle his relatives in a war, "I am death, destroyer of worlds."

And these words spoken by Jesus "He who has found his life will lose it, and he who has lost his life for My sake will find it."

And from A Course In Miracles: "Nothing unreal exists, nothing real can be threatened."

For the sake of reference, I've disappeared into that Sea of Joy. And yes, my life was destroyed.

The Madness Of Sadness With Happiness

I’m a Christian (defined as a person Baptized in the Christian faith and a believer in the words theoretically spoken by the man Jesus). I’m a Buddhist (defined as a follower of the Eightfold Path). I’m a Hindu (defined as a believer in God In All Things). I am a Taoist (defined as having recognized all is only a supremely intelligent, unmoved field of infinite wisdom without intention other than to be). I am a follower of the way of the American Indian, generally (defined as one who recognizes his connection with the Gaia). I am a scientist, however poorly educated (I believe creation may be reduced to a set of equations confirming infinite existence). For various purposes, both selfish and unselfish, I am also a Pagan, a Jew, a Muslim and any other belief system one may find practiced or otherwise held in the mind of Mankind. if I am to be acceptable to GOD I must accept GOD.

Here’s why. In the Old testament of the Hebrew religious scriptures, prior to the advent of Christ Consciousness in the man Jesus, there is a passage I accept as true and presented as direct communication from YHVH stating; GOD is omnipresent (everywhere) omnipotent (powerful above all else) and omniscient (seeing the all and the everything). Elsewhere in that same set of scriptures the statement “All is GOD” is found. This means to me that nothing exists or can be found outside of GOD, untouchable by GOD or doable without GOD’s approval. Therefore all that happens, including sadness, murder, mayhem, gladness, joy and creativity, does so with the absolute sanctity of GOD. This alone is enough to make one both full of misery and filled with joy at the same time. Madness in other words.

A corroborative quote from the Hebrew bible: The workings of Man are as foolishness to GOD. The workings of GOD are as foolishness to Man.

I Love you and there is nothing you can do to stop me. That is the heart of Christianity.

Cold Water Rebirth

A small primer: Rebirthing is a breath process. In its classic "clinical" setting it's done in three stages. 1) ten open air sessions with a male or female but not both 2) followed by one hot tub session 3) followed by ten with the other bonding gender 4) followed by a cold water rebirth. There is more than one participant on hand at the two water rebirths.

At my first cold water Rebirth "Allow" was the overall atmosphere of the work shop. One pursued to the depth of their choice. There were several dozen attending. I was accompanied by three seasoned Rebirthers and the water was in a hotel tub, filled with buckets of ice cubes from the machine in the hall. Water, of course, was floating the ice.

As I lowered my naked body into the icy water my awareness opened to a holographic experience. I simultaneously saw my guides as if I was looking out from eyes in my upper back, the ice water beneath me with my physical eyes like being in another world, and through the eyes of an Alaskan Inuit pitching head first into the Arctic waters. I felt feelings of having committed suicide as this person in a past life. There were no other offerings, there was no me, there was no reasoning. Only mindless fear of death and the cold and the momentum of determined commitment to do this filled my awareness. I was open to reasons for being afraid but saw nothing. I was doing this and no one was pushing me.

Later, as I sat in the conference room on the floor, remembering how resistant I was from the beginning to attend this Loving Relationship Training workshop, this poem came to me. It's a lot lighter than the image of the cold water rebirthing.

Anxious about the cold,
And I feel really old
On death I must be sold
“lets get it over with!”

Cold water freaks me out
I’m really not that stout
Makes me want to shout
“Lets get it over with!”

Angry fighting feelings
My head is set to reeling
Fearful breath is fleeting
“Lets get it over with!”

Ease into the water
Leave is what I oughta
The scream is getting louder
“Lets get it over with!”

Out of water, into the air
Its colder still over there
Fearless now “in the pink”
I feel a glow… and not a care.

Most of all, I cleared a LOT of fear that weekend.

Psychic Surgery: Fact or Fiction

I don’t remember the exact date when I first saw a documentary on Psychic Surgery, but it was sometime in 1969. I was visiting my mother on Merritt Island and we were sitting around the dining room chatting about this and that when a documentary of the subject came on television. I remember that it was produced on behalf of a major network and it was obviously biased by a disbelief in the possibility of such. At the time I was fascinated by the subject though by that time in my life I had forgotten my spiritual heritage and was fully immersed in the attempt to become a “normal” human being with the ordinary goal of being the best disk jockey in the radio business. We watched without comment. We were all riveted by what looked like a man doing something with his fingers over the exposed lower abdomen of a Asian woman. There was a short movement and he lifted his hands and placed an object in a bowl. It looked like what I’ve since heard doctors refer to as a polyp. The commentator, sounding very objective, said that it could just as easily been a piece of chicken or some other animal, that the psychic surgeon had secreted into the scene through some slight of hand. Part of me wanted to agree with him. But something subtle reminded me to stay open to this fascinating concept. I had experienced surgery in the classic method several times and for a number of problems by then and this event looked like a preferred way to go.

The evening passed and it was three years later that another event altered my perspective, decided my direction and changed my mind about the nature of reality, forever. At age twenty five, after 14 months of intense daily contemplation of my life and purpose, I experienced a complete loss of any sense of self and entered into a state of ecstasy. Along with all that implies came the perception that our physicality is merely an illusion. A play of light upon the screen of the theater of mind. This experience is connected to our subject only as a means of identifying the mechanics of the process. If in fact we are only light at the simplest level of our being then anyone who may perceive the phenomenon of that dimension has a key to access that dimension. Of course it would hold that to work there with any recipient, the recipient must be in cooperation with the practitioner. And so my story of my experience with psychic surgery begins.

I was in my 42nd year and had been a massage therapist for several years. I had met my friend Silmar a few months earlier and she was deeply connected to the community of healers locally and knew about many of the more obscure events that took place. I was at home in my apartment when the lady I was dating at the time came by. She was all excited about this man she had met at a local residence who was performing this service all day and into the night for all who asked. As usual, in spite of my openness, I was skeptical. I listened but did not act until I got a call from Silmar. She said “Come over here right away!” My friend and I left immediately and arrived in a few minutes at a house in Winter Park. From there we went to a garage that had been converted to an apartment. As I entered the room I saw a beautiful man of average stature and a very demure woman of whom I took little note. The room was filled with a light that I had only experienced in the moments of extreme joy. It came as if from the very atmosphere itself.

I should tell you now, that from the time of my early childhood, I have had many injuries and insults visited upon my body. The number of traumatic experiences are in the hundreds. But None are as great as the anger I have felt toward myself for living in denial of my true nature and the source of my Being. My anger manifested most profoundly in my liver. The sensitivity of this region was such that while laying on my back the weight of my hand on my chest or abdomen was too painful to bear.

After entering the room I was instructed to remove my clothes, leaving my underwear on, and to lay down on a massage table covered with a white sheet. Silmar and my other friend were with me and watched from the side as I did this. The practitioner then spread a salve-like substance that smelled strongly of camphor but contained other ingredients I feel certain. He moved very quickly and I was able to lift my head to watch his hands. He wore slacks and a long sleeved white shirt that was rolled up passed his elbows. There was no way he could hide anything in his hands which I noted with a casual thought. The energy of the room was intense but pleasant. I was not afraid but very attentive to his actions. He lightly brushed my entire torso, his hands circling my upper abdomen. Suddenly he said “liver” out loud and then began a movement that looked like rolling out dough to make bread. He moved quickly, with clarity and confidence, pushing away from the area of my liver. It reminded me of the story of the parting of the Red Sea. It was as if they were the "ghosts" of layers of water covering me. I could see through these waves as though they were glass. (I have learned since then that these Psychics see the body as if it were water). After a few pushes in three directions away from the area of my liver he then formed a shape like a bowl with his hands, fingers curved and pointed toward the area surrounding the point of my discomfort. I began immediately to feel a warmth in the center of the tissue under his hand. The only way to describe it is to liken it to the heat I felt when working on radio transmitting equipment during my years in the broadcasting industry. I occasionally had to climb a tower to change warning bulbs while the station continued to transmit at a greatly reduced wattage. If I held the tower too tightly or too long in one place I would feel the heat build in my bones as it slowly cooked me. The difference is that felt like dirty heat. This was a clean and graceful heat. After a few short moments his fingers disappeared into my abdomen up to the second knuckle joint. They went right into my body! Intellectually I was astounded while feeling completely at ease with all that was transpiring. Suddenly there was a noise like plopping/squirting sound accompanied by small drops of blood that spattered my face and torso. I simultaneously saw something dark fly from my upper belly just under the bottom rib very close to my mid-line. He moved to a bowl that his assistant now held and flicked what looked like a slightly irregularly shaped piece of tar about an inch long as thick as a pencil lead. He did a few other things to me, all less dramatic but with ease and Grace. It was very easy to surrender to his loving touch. It was obvious that his dispassionate approach treated me with respect and impersonal positive regard. I felt loved by a force beyond the totality of our person.

I left the room after repossessing my clothing. Later while sharing the experience with my friend Silmar and my girlfriend Elizabeth, both reprted seeing a hole open up in my abdomen. They "could see my guts." I, on the other hand, could not see past the bottom of my rib cage as I tilted my head.

Many went to him that day and they all experienced profound healing in his presence. Some resisted and had a harder time of it, others surrendered and were touched with ease.

After the event, and for several months, I could see a small, jagged red line, much like a spider vein, right where the pain had been centralized. That gradually faded and is now only memory. The pain went away immediately and has never returned. I am truly grateful for all involved.

I was told this man would pray with his assistant for many hours each day in devotion to his love of Christ. I have also learned that he was an ambassador to the United States from his native country and that someone here, who felt threatened by this form of healing, informed the State Department. Consequently, he was told never to return to America. (This article was originally published in the Healthy Alliance Journal Vol. III No. 5 in November of 1996.)

Stored Injustice and Attacks

This past Saturday the 13th of March, a little over a week ago, I began the Avatar Integrity Course. It seems there were about sixty of us in attendance. I went with a lot of enthusiasm and interest in getting free of some limiting patterns I suffer from every day. These patterns are typically obscured by longing for relief.

I say "I suffer" but the reality is we all (everyone I meet or am connected to in life) suffer from my patterns. The patterns create energy flux one could liken to a stick protruding from the surface of a pond. Buffeted by the wind it creates disturbances in the surface of the pond. Every living thing in the pond is disturbed. Life is fraught with chaos and infirmity.

Dealing with these patterns is a whole lot easier and infinitely quicker when someone assists, in a loving way, my coming to awareness of the pattern and the beliefs that create it. The Avatar Integrity Course is deliberately designed to provide that opportunity.

I want to share with you three results. There were more, considerably more, but these stand out.

I suffer from a build up of perceived injustices visited upon me by the world or my fellows resulting in transparent beliefs. The perceived injustices inevitably stemmed from experiences I instigated in life. They formed a pool of fear and resentment when I failed to take responsibility during or following their advent: I would hit a bump in the road, blame something or someone and lick my wounds while racing for the next experience. I created the experience, I hit the bump and placed blamed (damn Bump!). Then I attacked the next person who came forward offering another opportunity to take responsibility for my previous creation. (You're another damn bump!).

Second, and quite valuable, is the feeling of attacking another to avoid taking responsibility. That feeling, in my body, is subtle and nearly instantaneous. It starts with a resistance, followed by a withdrawing of my attention from my fellow and proceeds to an outflow of energy. In most cases the energy is subtle, accompanying words or actions which hide the underlying motive to attack. The words or actions may actually be words of praise or intended to help.

Third is a real eye opener and explains a lot of failed relationships. I see I both draw people to me and push them away at the same time. I want to experience love but I fear the intimacy of true connection. I remember a loved one saying to me years ago "Why are you pushing me away" when I wanted so much for her to come closer. It made absolutely no sense at the time.

These painful situations are created by unseen transparent beliefs. Beliefs formed in my past to justify protecting and/or attacking to avoid repeating an experience for which I have yet to take responsibility.

The result? I end up feeling isolated and struggling for the love I deserve to receive and give. Others struggle to love me but cannot connect without being attacked or confronting a wall of defense. I am emotionally unavailable to them.

Through the Avatar material I have made real progress in mitigating this condition. I am grateful to Harry Palmer, the creator of Avatar and I am exceptionally grateful for the Avatar materials.

Calamity on State Road 3

Like many of my life stories this reads like "Mr. Toad's Wild Ride." I have several relating to cars but this one stands out as miraculous.

Having failed two grades I was twenty one years old when I dropped out of high school in my senior year. The principal wouldn't let me date this beautiful exchange student from Denmark so I used it as an excuse to get serious about my drinking.

I would drive my 1956 Pontiac from Merritt Island to Melbourne every evening and meet my friend Larre. We'd cruise around town drinking beer and hard liquor. Crusin and boozin we called it.

This went on for a few months. Then one night I learned there is more than one set of eyes looking past my nose and I should heed my intuition. Clearly an encounter with my Higher Self and the knowledge my body has an intelligence all its own.

I'd bought the car for eighty dollars from a little old lady who had put only forty thousand miles on it the twelve years she drove it. It was a big V8, I mean BIG V8. All I had to do was remove the front bumper, replace the radiator and the brake vacuum assist. Beyond that the car was immaculate with cloth seats and a great radio. It would float along at 130MPH all day long. I should have replace the bald tires in front.

On this evening I had a feeling of foreboding as I exited my apartment. I knew on some level I should heed this strong sensation. My ego was determined though and I pushed the body on right out into the car. I really enjoy driving.

My favorite part of the drive was State Road 3 South on Merritt Island. I would take it at night with my lights off, seeing by moonlight, keeping one eye on the line down the middle. The road was lightly traveled and this was daring and exciting. If I saw lights up ahead they were always around a curve as the road winds though oak and cabbage palm forest. I would switch on my lights get past the oncoming traffic then switch off again. At 90MPH this was a great fun.

At the very end, a mile before the road crosses the Banana River at Mather's bridge, there is a very curvy stretch barely two cars wide. The trees are thickest, lining the road like soldiers at attention. Its impossible to leave the road without coming to a near halt first.

I'm maybe two hundred feet from the beginning of that piece of road when someone backs out of a driveway with their lights off and turns them on. Surprised I touch the brakes to cut the forward momentum. My new vacuum brake assist multiplies the pressure and instantly the bald front tires peel off the rims, the front end goes down and the car flips over. It comes down hard on its top, crushing the roof to the dashboard. I'm upside down in the car, my belly laying on the ceiling of the car watching the road make sparks dance into the cab as the road whizzes by underneath. In my mind I think "Am I going to die?" Out of my mouth comes a loud and profound "NO!"

The car careens around the curves another two hundred feet spinning 360 degrees at the same time. Without touching a single tree the car finally coming to rest lodged cross ways in the road between trees on either side.

When the movement stops I quickly crawl out the back window and stand there on the side of the road looking at it with heart ache. A man comes out of the house behind me and asks me if the people inside the car are hurt. I say no, I'm not. He looks at me funny and says "YOU?! You were in that car?" I nod to which he says... there have been thirty seven accidents in front of this house and you're the only one who is not injured or dead.

Traffic was backed up for fifteen miles because there were no other exits from the Island until you got back to State Road 520 which runs East and West. I got a ticket from a trooper who, taking pity on me, made it for SPEED TO GREAT FOR CONDITIONS RESULTING IN AN ACCIDENT.

It took four hours for the tow truck to dislodge my 1956 Pontiac from the squeeze. The next day I went into a deli, realized I was very uncomfortable when I didn't have money for a beer and decided I had become addicted to alcohol. I stopped drinking until the craving ceased.

Jealousy. Really Feel It

Jealousy is a powerful emotional experience. This "fire" spurs behavior from a simple snicker to full blown rage laying waste to all before us. It feels like black and filthy heat billowing from an unquenchable pyre in the gut.

In my first encounter with jealousy I was nine. I saw my friend Gregory with Jeannie from down the street smooching. I felt the fire heard my Higher Self instruct me; "Notice, remember."

There were many instances over time. Two events had a major impact on my life.

It was 1969, I was twenty two and married to a very beautiful, intelligent and gregarious German woman; a party sprang up where ever she was. I was obsessed and deeply fearful of loosing her. I felt unworthy.

One evening her wilder, older sister invited her to a girls night out, to go to a hotel on the beach and party. I felt threatened but kept my tongue as I drove her there. I feared there was another man. I felt abandoned.

As we pulled into the foyer and she got out I lost my restraint. Jumping from the car I grabbed her and attempted to place her in the car.

I watched, from somewhere inside of me, this near fatal collision with jealousy. In the struggle my reasoning slowly gained sway and I surrendered to her. I drove away crying. I felt foolish, scared and angry with myself.

That I had serious issues was obvious but I didn't see them clearly yet. I did know jealousy was a symptom not the problem.

Over the years I'd awakened a little to my insecurities regarding sexual prowess. My first encounter at sixteen had been a disaster. I decided then I would become an adept lover. That forward focus obscured my fear of being inadequate.

Working on my self image and living through attacks of jealousy over the next twenty years brought clarity. At forty two I believed jealousy was dead in me.

Then I met a woman that fit every fantasy image I had. She was the perfect mid-life crisis partner. We moved in together and played house but she told me up front not to expect exclusivity. This put me on edge and I saw the ugly head of jealousy peek around the corner. The affair was a roller coaster ride of the scariest kind with many extremes. Though men came around none were admitted.

After a year of obsession and unabated passion I move out. It didn't help. My obsession diminished not one iota.

Then on Halloween I unwittingly created hell on earth, again. We decided we would go out in costume, I as a court jester in pink and yellow (a fool) and she as a sexy kitty cat. Perfection!

We went to a pub. What a set up. I was the only male in costume, that of an idiot, and the other guys there wore jeans and T shirts. I got very drunk. I've always held my liquor well. This was no exception.

We hit a few other spots and before the night was over we had picked up a young man of about twenty three. He was obviously attracted to her.

At one point she whispered to me "I want to take this puppy home. Would you ride with him and show him the way?" I agreed. I knew where this was going but I loved her and I wanted to be free from the "dirty fire" now cooking me. Permanently free.

When we arrived it was evident he was afraid. He didn't know what was going on so I chatted with him and he relaxed.

I, on the other hand, was in divine agony. About three AM I got on my motorcycle and left. I screamed all the way home.

For the next six weeks I bounced between wanting to castrate myself and wanting to make love to her. I spent every waking moment feeling this as deeply as I was able. Fully feeling every moment is the key.

What really happened?

My first wife pretended to orgasm many times during our relationship then finally had one months after we'd married. The deception and admission deeply wounded my fragile self confidence. As years passed when I approached having orgasm I would become numb, unfeeling. I didn't know why, it progressed so slowly.

This wonderful, beautiful woman I was having an affair with had been sexually abused by a family member through her adolescence. She was unable to experience orgasm more than once with the same man.

The insecurity, the absence of confidence and our inability to be fully present and contribute to each others surrender to love in pleasure was healed. That was our gift to one another. And yes, we did very much love each other. Sex with love does heal intelligent hearts.

Goddess

She’s gorgeous!
She’s so wonderfully bright
Her face is compelling,
And filled with a light,
That darkens day,
And dispels the night.
A lush pulsing mix,
Of pink and pure white,
With splashes of crimson,
And blue.
Haunting eyes that flash sparks
Gold speckled yellows,
Like meadowlarks.
Mornings deep,
Rich,
Shimmering dew.
Odors of soft roses long-stemmed,
Strikes poses that melt away men
Long Lashes so thick,
Eyes large so forlorn,
Promise passion,
Hurricane borne.
Lips sweetly parted, full, rich,
And reds too numerous to name.
Teeth so strong sparkle white
And each is true,
To high form.
Chin slightly dimpled,
Her neck and throat supple,
So velvety, ivory smooth.
My lips, she soon must adorn!
Breasts small and so round
Each sweet soft mound
Beckons,
Caresses yet scorned.
Her hands speak of touching ,
Deft strokes of creamed friction,
Thick sultry depictions,
Of fantasies,
The old
And some new.
“ Aaahh yes, dear man touch me,
make love and penetrate me,
devour, and my sweet,
just plain, take me!
I am yours,
you hunger”

She knew.

Personal Conflict, Astrology and "Stuff."

First consider: You are on an island in the great ocean. You were born there and so were your parents. There are no roads, just paths from one set of huts to another. All day you run along these paths, to and fro, playing with friends. Sometimes you carry wood or water or other items that contribute to daily health and happiness. You are blissful but obviously not informed of the world of television and cars. That world is the occult (beyond the range of ordinary knowledge or experience; mysterious).

This is the state of affairs that most humans find themselves in when they look at an astrological natal chart. "It's Greek to me. I have no idea what that means." is their first reaction.

So here are some words to encourage a little clarity.

Science shows us we are made of the elements found in that periodic chart you saw in your 8th grade science class. (Maybe you didn't see it but it was there). Science has also determined the source of those elements: Exploding stars left great clouds of dust which formed new stars, planets and organic life (that's you BTW).

Yes! Exploded stars are the source of all the atomic parts which comprise the human body. This star-stuff is all there is, materially speaking.

Science has also shown (the U.S Army actually proved this) that you can take a piece of flesh from your body, carry it great distances, lock it and you in separate lead lined rooms.Then they could poke you with a sharp object and the piece of still living flesh will react as if it was still attached to your body.

In other words we are all connected to all that is and no distance or barrier, perceived or otherwise not known, can separate us from the stuff from which we are made, the universe. The very word universe conjures this notion; uni = one, verse= song or utterance.

Now astrology.

We exist in a clock of sorts. Looking from outside the solar system this isn't a difficult image. Little balls of rock and gas, heavy and light relatively, swirling around in the medium of space (space, a misnomer if there ever was one, think "dark matter"), each having it's minute electromagnetic influence on the objects around it.

Actually some influences are not so minute. The earth swells up when the moon passes over head. And it's not such a small swell.

OK... what about you and me? The key is found in the heavenly bodies influence on the ductless glands, e.g. the adrenal glands. Read more about them here.

These glands vary in sensitivity to changes in everything from the physical to the psychic environment. They regulate the other functions of the body and hence impact the mind.

More basic astrology: Natal charts are round, representing the earth at the time you were born, drawn on paper. The left side of the circle shows the Eastern hemisphere, the upper half what was "above the Earth," the right half is Western side and the lower half the "below" the Earth. You, meaning your body-mind, are both the earth and on the Earth.

The moment of your birth becomes an impression that is so powerful it will last till your body dies. (Read more about that first impression here.)

If the planet Mars is in a positions that is called sensitive, like just coming up over the Eastern horizon the moment of your birth (rising, or dawning as it were) your body-mind will register this as a stronger influence than if it were at, let's say, the ten o:clock position. The adrenal glands which have to do with action and are strongly influenced by Mars will be "turned up" a notch. For the duration of your physical life.

The position of a planet in the chart tends to determine it's strength of influence. Hence "sensitive" areas. There have been scientific, statistical studies, see here.

Let's advance out thoughts on this. Keep the picture... Mars is shining on your "cute face" and hopefully mother has you in her arms, cooing and saying "what a beautiful baby." The rest of the planets are out there as well, all giving you a "first impression" of your new body-mind. One of them, Saturn, the planet influencing maturation of body-mind through crystallization (bones come to mind) is over on the Western side of the wheel of life (chart) directly opposite Mars. Adrenaline, from the adrenals ruled by Mars, is fluid metal (notice someone's breath after they've had a fright or got angry or been out playing hard at kick ball and you'll know what I mean by metal). Saturn influences the bones or, as one can easily see when things harden, resistance. So what we have is Mars inspiring action opposed by Saturn resisting, or... conflict.

This is just one perspective on a very complex scene: Mars (rising) in the Twelfth House opposite Saturn (setting) in the Sixth House. There could be a wide variety of potential experiences available; ranging from stifled action resulting in bone-breaking situations as it is projected onto the body, to the ability to act responsibly to mitigate karmic debts, and more. Much More.

Any body opposite any other body in astrology is referred to as opposition. Image it like two pebbles thrown into a pond at the same time, ripples spreading out to meet each other. They will have a tendency to change the surface of the pond in a more pronounced way than they would if dropped separately. If the ripples (vibrational influence) are not in accord by nature, as in the case of Saturn (resistance) and Mars (action), discord and turbulance is the experience. Will has to be constantly applied in some measure to balance the conflicting energies.



If the two bodies were Venus and Neptune you could get a conflict, especially if there are other influences of a less harmonious nature. However, these two planets like each other. Venus is the lower octave of Neptune (just like musical notes, planets vibrate at specific wavelengths). As a result you are more likely to get artistic (Venus) interests that have a spiritual or mystical nature (Neptune) and an "other worldly" quality to the personality.

So what's my point? It's this: If you find you have conflict in your life on a regular basis, whether it's with others, with an idea, or any two or more "things" that exist in either your material or mental universe, you can pretty much bet there are two or more heavenly bodies in opposition in your natal chart.

Learning how to cope requires help. No one comes to self awareness alone. And few study astrology and even fewer of those who study are good at it.

A note of caution: These planetary influences are not an excuse for "fussin and fighten my friend." Even though the influences of the heavens are often quite strong they are never stronger than a will to change. You choose the response, it never chooses you.

If you want to master conflict, I mean if you really want to... check this out. This is real help that puts you in the driver's seat!

"Out of site,
Out of mind,
All I needed was a rhyme for you
c'est la vie"

Greg Lake

Here is a list of the subjects I'll attempt to bring to note over the next few months. I am hesitant to consider an entire year. Best laid plans... and all that jazz.

Sex and commitment.

Some cool stuff about Astrology.

Repeating dreams.

Justification for believing in "past lives."

Stories from the "edge of the cliff I walk."

The three poisons; ignorance, desire and aversion.

The Chicken Or The Egg
or
Your Good Cluck Charm.

Destiny versus Fate.

And hopefully more...

Feel free to suggest a subject or topic and patiently wait for inspiration.

In the meantime should you like to read something written about ten years ago on the subjects of first breath, the birth process and the lies we take from our first moment of ensoulment go here.

The salvia divinorum experiences

This event occurred in the early summer of 2005. The duration from beginning to end took at most twenty minutes. The end may be described as "no evidence beyond my memory of having ingested." A Wikipedia link with more info follows this article.

I've been warned to always have a "sitter" by my side during the salvia experience. Participants have been known to walk away, mindless of environmental obstacles such as traffic, while under its influence. There are three methods of ingestion, smoking, chewing and a tincture. We are choosing to smoke it.

As I take the salvia into my lungs I am instantly in another reality with the only common denominator being I as a point of awareness and my body. Not unlike an extremely vivid lucid dream.

The visual image is of sitting on a simple bench and noticing to my left, further down the bench, another man leaning forward looking directly at me. There are one-maybe two figures between us but I do not see them so much as sense their presence. There is a shadowy quality to the space on the seat to my immediate left. There is a sensation of being alone, or on my own with no close associates in the nearby spaces. The environment was a warm, glowing afternoon about three o'clock somewhere in the Southwest United States, New Mexico maybe. Before me is a green toward yellow grassy area. Over head is a clear blue sky.

I feel in a smaller sense as if I am with a gathering of people, mostly men in a setting with a spiritually oriented purpose not unlike a conference. I know all these men but I cannot name any. It is simply warm familiarity presented as a coloring to the space we are sharing. My impression of myself is that of being older than I am now.

In the same instant I recognize the set and setting there is: A feeling of trying and unable to take a breath as I fall forward; A sense of regret not having said goodbye to my wife Georgiana; Of having, in an attempt to deny this moment of death, made up in the seconds before, an entire lifetime which includes Georgiana. And in that same instant I know I have lived a life completely unrelated in any way to the one I made up, a life with a far greater contribution than I allow myself to believe. The most profound aspect of this moment is I am dead.

As the experience progresses I feel as if a response is expected. I silently form the question “What do you want from me?” The answer comes back as if I'd spoken out loud “We want you to wake up.”

All of the above occurs without the passage of time. As if one could capture in one photograph an entire play.

I recognize there is a “separate reality” to which I am now exposed. I begin to mentally reach for my ordinary reality. My senses tell me it is a cool, dark space in real time in infinite space to my right. I emphatically want to go there, to turn away from the newer reality which is to my left. There is a feeling of desperation. I have an impression I've not used my left-brain hemisphere before now.

I question my ability to distinguish real from imagined. I test myself. Is there a door specifically located in the room where I now remember I should be sitting. Visually the alternate reality still prevails. Is there a person, my "sitter," really with me? I find my voice (swallowing and breathing had been impossible a second before) and I ask out loud “Is there a door over my left shoulder.” The answer “No” resounds. More reasoning: My point of view is from that of actions I would take to reach the door, of having to stand, pivot left walking around behind my chair almost full circle to reach the door which is positioned to my right. Immediately on my right is a table blocking any direct path to the door. I realize my sitter is hearing my question and visualizing me walking into the table. He is protecting me from harm. I ask differently. "Is there a door that I could get up and walk around to?" He responds. “Yes, but I won’t let you.” Now I know I've nearly returned to common reality. I feel the warmth of familiarity and connection. I also feel relief that I might still be able to complete with Georgiana before I pass away from this life. In a moment more I am able to open my eyes and see my friend before me.

I have subsequently realized there was a distinctly pointed message in this experience. Beside the obvious "wake up" was the sense of having allowed my life to languish by the side of the road to complete my purpose for coming to my "common" reality. Part of that purpose is to pass along to others what I have gathered over past lifetimes of seeking spiritual experience. Waking up is a constant. No one is fully awake as long as they are body bound to the material plane. One may be extremely awake to the Truth and live with this Truth as a constant offering. To quote one great sage "GOD is man yet to be fully manifested. Man is GOD yet to be fully realized."



There were three more events after this one over that summer. Over the next few days I expect to post the highlights of those experiences.

A word of caution: Experimenting with your psyche while in a fearful frame of mind should never be done without a loving companion.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Salvia_divinorum

Next event:

The urge to know the full meaning of this experience draws me forward. I feel compelled to explore the separate reality (SR) further.

One week later we make the journey again. I take the salvia smoke into my lungs with hesitation to experience once more my death.

Again in a flash I am confronted by the realistic and wholly undeniable sensation of the instant of my death: There is no turning back, it's finished!

The same environment surrounds me though this time I have an impression of a building in front of me, and the landscape seems cooler. Non-verbal information conveys an affirmation of the previous experience.

There is another difference. As I begin to exit the SR I see there is a field of light out of which I emerge entering the separate reality and then enter as I return to my common reality.

No amount of self assurance quells the feeling of fear of knowing I am dead. That is the crux of the message. I am already dead! I just haven’t accepted it. I'll continue to live in self deception until I end my denial.

Next event:

A month has passed since my last exploration. Because I know now I am unlikely to leave my seat while exploring the SR on this occasion I am alone.

I choose to switch my seating position to that of my sitter/companion to determine if the orientation of my body has an impact. I experienced a directionality to the first two forays into the SR. In the first two events I was seated facing the East. This time I face West. In this event the more brightly lit environment of the SR was from my right rather than my left. I likely had less salvia in the smoking devise because this event is shorter and no images occur other than a brilliant yellow/orange energy field occupying the entire space behind me and to the right. For a moment I decide to extend my awareness into the field. The SR fades before I am able to follow through.

What I have written to this point I wrote as if in real-time. What follows are notes on the subject written over the following few months.

I have explored the psyche through many devises, both deliberately i.e. meditation, psychoactive substances, etc., and spontaneously resulting from painful injuries, near death events or unexpected sensory bombardment. The full immersion in the SR under the influence of the salvia is the first time I had ever lost all contact with my physical senses (the sense of time and space and history of the "Michael" that writes this) without the bliss of full immersion in Love, or cosmic consciousness. It was stark, however bright the light may have been that seemed to come from behind. Along with this is the sense of another consciousness(es) behind me, watching and seemingly benevolent. I have had a sense of being watched from over my shoulder before on several occasions in life. Often while alone in the wilderness or on the road hitchhiking. This time I wanted to join it, or them, after my panic subsided some. I want to believe it would welcome me if I were to go as far with the salvia as I could. However, at this point my fear is an obstacle. I really want to get past the fear.

Today and last night I've experienced deeper than usual sadness about unfulfilled potential. Passing before I achieve the destiny I know is there is quite disturbing.

Regarding the fear I had passed away suddenly without saying goodbye: All of my life I’ve been clearing my slate so I may start the next life unburdened to the greatest possible degree. I remember choosing this before incarnating this body. I have unrealized desires and fears I have yet to confront. Not for lack of consideration. More likely because of fear I'll lose control of those elements of my life to which I have become attached. Early in life there was very little attachment to people or things.

I must move forward in spite of the fear. I am afraid also that I won’t. Maybe there is just fear and it isn’t really about or of anything.

Today I asked the higher self what I should do. The answer: “Make a joke.”

I translated this into “use the qualities and nuances of the illusion to play out the role of a priest as I know it to be. Be the sinful saint and be it well with the time I have left.

My wonderful, good and beautiful friend Robert wants me to be the lead the SKIgroup which is small and intimate… I would love that. It would fulfill a dream I’ve had in mind since 1973.