Stored Injustice and Attacks

This past Saturday the 13th of March, a little over a week ago, I began the Avatar Integrity Course. It seems there were about sixty of us in attendance. I went with a lot of enthusiasm and interest in getting free of some limiting patterns I suffer from every day. These patterns are typically obscured by longing for relief.

I say "I suffer" but the reality is we all (everyone I meet or am connected to in life) suffer from my patterns. The patterns create energy flux one could liken to a stick protruding from the surface of a pond. Buffeted by the wind it creates disturbances in the surface of the pond. Every living thing in the pond is disturbed. Life is fraught with chaos and infirmity.

Dealing with these patterns is a whole lot easier and infinitely quicker when someone assists, in a loving way, my coming to awareness of the pattern and the beliefs that create it. The Avatar Integrity Course is deliberately designed to provide that opportunity.

I want to share with you three results. There were more, considerably more, but these stand out.

I suffer from a build up of perceived injustices visited upon me by the world or my fellows resulting in transparent beliefs. The perceived injustices inevitably stemmed from experiences I instigated in life. They formed a pool of fear and resentment when I failed to take responsibility during or following their advent: I would hit a bump in the road, blame something or someone and lick my wounds while racing for the next experience. I created the experience, I hit the bump and placed blamed (damn Bump!). Then I attacked the next person who came forward offering another opportunity to take responsibility for my previous creation. (You're another damn bump!).

Second, and quite valuable, is the feeling of attacking another to avoid taking responsibility. That feeling, in my body, is subtle and nearly instantaneous. It starts with a resistance, followed by a withdrawing of my attention from my fellow and proceeds to an outflow of energy. In most cases the energy is subtle, accompanying words or actions which hide the underlying motive to attack. The words or actions may actually be words of praise or intended to help.

Third is a real eye opener and explains a lot of failed relationships. I see I both draw people to me and push them away at the same time. I want to experience love but I fear the intimacy of true connection. I remember a loved one saying to me years ago "Why are you pushing me away" when I wanted so much for her to come closer. It made absolutely no sense at the time.

These painful situations are created by unseen transparent beliefs. Beliefs formed in my past to justify protecting and/or attacking to avoid repeating an experience for which I have yet to take responsibility.

The result? I end up feeling isolated and struggling for the love I deserve to receive and give. Others struggle to love me but cannot connect without being attacked or confronting a wall of defense. I am emotionally unavailable to them.

Through the Avatar material I have made real progress in mitigating this condition. I am grateful to Harry Palmer, the creator of Avatar and I am exceptionally grateful for the Avatar materials.

Calamity on State Road 3

Like many of my life stories this reads like "Mr. Toad's Wild Ride." I have several relating to cars but this one stands out as miraculous.

Having failed two grades I was twenty one years old when I dropped out of high school in my senior year. The principal wouldn't let me date this beautiful exchange student from Denmark so I used it as an excuse to get serious about my drinking.

I would drive my 1956 Pontiac from Merritt Island to Melbourne every evening and meet my friend Larre. We'd cruise around town drinking beer and hard liquor. Crusin and boozin we called it.

This went on for a few months. Then one night I learned there is more than one set of eyes looking past my nose and I should heed my intuition. Clearly an encounter with my Higher Self and the knowledge my body has an intelligence all its own.

I'd bought the car for eighty dollars from a little old lady who had put only forty thousand miles on it the twelve years she drove it. It was a big V8, I mean BIG V8. All I had to do was remove the front bumper, replace the radiator and the brake vacuum assist. Beyond that the car was immaculate with cloth seats and a great radio. It would float along at 130MPH all day long. I should have replace the bald tires in front.

On this evening I had a feeling of foreboding as I exited my apartment. I knew on some level I should heed this strong sensation. My ego was determined though and I pushed the body on right out into the car. I really enjoy driving.

My favorite part of the drive was State Road 3 South on Merritt Island. I would take it at night with my lights off, seeing by moonlight, keeping one eye on the line down the middle. The road was lightly traveled and this was daring and exciting. If I saw lights up ahead they were always around a curve as the road winds though oak and cabbage palm forest. I would switch on my lights get past the oncoming traffic then switch off again. At 90MPH this was a great fun.

At the very end, a mile before the road crosses the Banana River at Mather's bridge, there is a very curvy stretch barely two cars wide. The trees are thickest, lining the road like soldiers at attention. Its impossible to leave the road without coming to a near halt first.

I'm maybe two hundred feet from the beginning of that piece of road when someone backs out of a driveway with their lights off and turns them on. Surprised I touch the brakes to cut the forward momentum. My new vacuum brake assist multiplies the pressure and instantly the bald front tires peel off the rims, the front end goes down and the car flips over. It comes down hard on its top, crushing the roof to the dashboard. I'm upside down in the car, my belly laying on the ceiling of the car watching the road make sparks dance into the cab as the road whizzes by underneath. In my mind I think "Am I going to die?" Out of my mouth comes a loud and profound "NO!"

The car careens around the curves another two hundred feet spinning 360 degrees at the same time. Without touching a single tree the car finally coming to rest lodged cross ways in the road between trees on either side.

When the movement stops I quickly crawl out the back window and stand there on the side of the road looking at it with heart ache. A man comes out of the house behind me and asks me if the people inside the car are hurt. I say no, I'm not. He looks at me funny and says "YOU?! You were in that car?" I nod to which he says... there have been thirty seven accidents in front of this house and you're the only one who is not injured or dead.

Traffic was backed up for fifteen miles because there were no other exits from the Island until you got back to State Road 520 which runs East and West. I got a ticket from a trooper who, taking pity on me, made it for SPEED TO GREAT FOR CONDITIONS RESULTING IN AN ACCIDENT.

It took four hours for the tow truck to dislodge my 1956 Pontiac from the squeeze. The next day I went into a deli, realized I was very uncomfortable when I didn't have money for a beer and decided I had become addicted to alcohol. I stopped drinking until the craving ceased.