Having failed two grades I was twenty one years old when I dropped out of high school in my senior year. The principal wouldn't let me date this beautiful exchange student from Denmark so I used it as an excuse to get serious about my drinking.
I would drive my 1956 Pontiac from Merritt Island to Melbourne every evening and meet my friend Larre. We'd cruise around town drinking beer and hard liquor. Crusin and boozin we called it.
This went on for a few months. Then one night I learned there is more than one set of eyes looking past my nose and I should heed my intuition. Clearly an encounter with my Higher Self and the knowledge my body has an intelligence all its own.
I'd bought the car for eighty dollars from a little old lady who had put only forty thousand miles on it the twelve years she drove it. It was a big V8, I mean BIG V8. All I had to do was remove the front bumper, replace the radiator and the brake vacuum assist. Beyond that the car was immaculate with cloth seats and a great radio. It would float along at 130MPH all day long. I should have replace the bald tires in front.
On this evening I had a feeling of foreboding as I exited my apartment. I knew on some level I should heed this strong sensation. My ego was determined though and I pushed the body on right out into the car. I really enjoy driving.
My favorite part of the drive was State Road 3 South on Merritt Island. I would take it at night with my lights off, seeing by moonlight, keeping one eye on the line down the middle. The road was lightly traveled and this was daring and exciting. If I saw lights up ahead they were always around a curve as the road winds though oak and cabbage palm forest. I would switch on my lights get past the oncoming traffic then switch off again. At 90MPH this was a great fun.
At the very end, a mile before the road crosses the Banana River at Mather's bridge, there is a very curvy stretch barely two cars wide. The trees are thickest, lining the road like soldiers at attention. Its impossible to leave the road without coming to a near halt first.
I'm maybe two hundred feet from the beginning of that piece of road when someone backs out of a driveway with their lights off and turns them on. Surprised I touch the brakes to cut the forward momentum. My new vacuum brake assist multiplies the pressure and instantly the bald front tires peel off the rims, the front end goes down and the car flips over. It comes down hard on its top, crushing the roof to the dashboard. I'm upside down in the car, my belly laying on the ceiling of the car watching the road make sparks dance into the cab as the road whizzes by underneath. In my mind I think "Am I going to die?" Out of my mouth comes a loud and profound "NO!"
The car careens around the curves another two hundred feet spinning 360 degrees at the same time. Without touching a single tree the car finally coming to rest lodged cross ways in the road between trees on either side.
When the movement stops I quickly crawl out the back window and stand there on the side of the road looking at it with heart ache. A man comes out of the house behind me and asks me if the people inside the car are hurt. I say no, I'm not. He looks at me funny and says "YOU?! You were in that car?" I nod to which he says... there have been thirty seven accidents in front of this house and you're the only one who is not injured or dead.
Traffic was backed up for fifteen miles because there were no other exits from the Island until you got back to State Road 520 which runs East and West. I got a ticket from a trooper who, taking pity on me, made it for SPEED TO GREAT FOR CONDITIONS RESULTING IN AN ACCIDENT.
It took four hours for the tow truck to dislodge my 1956 Pontiac from the squeeze. The next day I went into a deli, realized I was very uncomfortable when I didn't have money for a beer and decided I had become addicted to alcohol. I stopped drinking until the craving ceased.
I received an unposted comment and this is my reply.
ReplyDeleteMy life has been mostly about me. Experience tells me that's not fulfilling.
Maybe only mentally or emotionally a lot of the time but I've been reclusive, with a knowing this posture to be an error this lifetime. Other sages who have reiterated this supports my perception. The need to do something else or more or better for me has been a nameless feeling I interpreted in that way.
I love the people I meet, quickly and easily. On the other hand I have loathing man's inhumanity. This conflict keeps me from deliberately choosing full immersion in the sea of bliss that is LOVE.
As my life has become more about "the other" I am happier and feel that my personal value has risen. I've begun to feel stronger interest in being with people, without losing interest in periodic solitude.
Beyond the The Avatar Course and into the later courses (Masters, Integrity, Pro Course and Wizards) the training becomes about "the other". These works serve to clear up aspects of my relationship with my Higher Self, my personal Truth, my Light, that are out of integrity.
The joy of service is huge and intrinsically rewarding even without the greater benefit. The sea of bliss is nearer.
That is my greatest longing... deliberate immersion!