In my first encounter with jealousy I was nine. I saw my friend Gregory with Jeannie from down the street smooching. I felt the fire heard my Higher Self instruct me; "Notice, remember."
There were many instances over time. Two events had a major impact on my life.
It was 1969, I was twenty two and married to a very beautiful, intelligent and gregarious German woman; a party sprang up where ever she was. I was obsessed and deeply fearful of loosing her. I felt unworthy.
One evening her wilder, older sister invited her to a girls night out, to go to a hotel on the beach and party. I felt threatened but kept my tongue as I drove her there. I feared there was another man. I felt abandoned.
As we pulled into the foyer and she got out I lost my restraint. Jumping from the car I grabbed her and attempted to place her in the car.
I watched, from somewhere inside of me, this near fatal collision with jealousy. In the struggle my reasoning slowly gained sway and I surrendered to her. I drove away crying. I felt foolish, scared and angry with myself.
That I had serious issues was obvious but I didn't see them clearly yet. I did know jealousy was a symptom not the problem.
Over the years I'd awakened a little to my insecurities regarding sexual prowess. My first encounter at sixteen had been a disaster. I decided then I would become an adept lover. That forward focus obscured my fear of being inadequate.
Working on my self image and living through attacks of jealousy over the next twenty years brought clarity. At forty two I believed jealousy was dead in me.
Then I met a woman that fit every fantasy image I had. She was the perfect mid-life crisis partner. We moved in together and played house but she told me up front not to expect exclusivity. This put me on edge and I saw the ugly head of jealousy peek around the corner. The affair was a roller coaster ride of the scariest kind with many extremes. Though men came around none were admitted.
After a year of obsession and unabated passion I move out. It didn't help. My obsession diminished not one iota.
Then on Halloween I unwittingly created hell on earth, again. We decided we would go out in costume, I as a court jester in pink and yellow (a fool) and she as a sexy kitty cat. Perfection!
We went to a pub. What a set up. I was the only male in costume, that of an idiot, and the other guys there wore jeans and T shirts. I got very drunk. I've always held my liquor well. This was no exception.
We hit a few other spots and before the night was over we had picked up a young man of about twenty three. He was obviously attracted to her.
At one point she whispered to me "I want to take this puppy home. Would you ride with him and show him the way?" I agreed. I knew where this was going but I loved her and I wanted to be free from the "dirty fire" now cooking me. Permanently free.
When we arrived it was evident he was afraid. He didn't know what was going on so I chatted with him and he relaxed.
I, on the other hand, was in divine agony. About three AM I got on my motorcycle and left. I screamed all the way home.
For the next six weeks I bounced between wanting to castrate myself and wanting to make love to her. I spent every waking moment feeling this as deeply as I was able. Fully feeling every moment is the key.
What really happened?
My first wife pretended to orgasm many times during our relationship then finally had one months after we'd married. The deception and admission deeply wounded my fragile self confidence. As years passed when I approached having orgasm I would become numb, unfeeling. I didn't know why, it progressed so slowly.
This wonderful, beautiful woman I was having an affair with had been sexually abused by a family member through her adolescence. She was unable to experience orgasm more than once with the same man.
The insecurity, the absence of confidence and our inability to be fully present and
contribute to each others surrender to love in pleasure was healed. That was our gift to one another. And yes, we did very much love each other. Sex with love does heal intelligent hearts.
